By Christina Wheeler
Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our lives, so absorbed in our little microcosms that we neglect to notice things that are right in front of us. An art contributor to my zine who sat on my friend’s list on Facebook for over a year somehow became someone I talk to daily, on the phone sometimes twice daily, through texts, IM’s, e-mails, and snail mail. To say that I am obsessed is a criminally inaccurate understatement. More than that and at a very early stage of talking to this man, I have had this deep awakening and unfolding of complex and sometimes uncomfortably passionate and direct emotions. He strums those parts of me gently and unmistakably.
He became the catalyst for some kind of inner transformation that I hadn’t planned on. Gotye has a song that reminds me so much of what he’s done for me, though I’m not sure even he knows to what extent. It’s called “Save Me.”
And you gave me love
When I could not love myself
And you made me turn
From the way I saw myself
And you’re patient, love
And you help me help myself
And you save me
And you save me
Yeah you save me
It’s all there. He rolled out this amazing acceptance for everything that I was, all the bad parts, the sad parts, the parts I was and am ashamed of. I stripped myself naked and let him see it all. He loved me for all of them. He kissed my scars, both literally and figuratively. He showed me all of his innards, too: the questionable, the bizarre, the sometimes scary, the things that he, himself, was nervous or overly conscious about. I have, in turn, accepted all of it without question. Why? In sharing all that we are, all our idiosyncrasies that make up who we are, exactly, I came to realize something: I love this guy. I can’t get enough of him. He made me laugh when laughter hadn’t been in my life in a long time. He reminded me that love exists on a grand scale. I hadn’t believed in that kind of love in so long. Yet, there it was standing before me like a reflection in my mirror.
It seems insane to have all these big feelings about someone I’ve only met once, but that one time we met is what really drove the point home that this guy was not like anyone I had ever experienced before. We spent just one day together, so demanding our individual responsibilities are of our time, but that one day was nothing short of magic. We didn’t have sex, but we rolled around that king-size bed for a full day, never once eating or taking care of any other physical needs. We were fully lost in each other and trying as hard as we could to store the memories of our bodies and smiles and laughter in real life in our memory banks. Something to hold us for however many months it might be before we got to experience each other in that way again. The urgency much outweighed the awkwardness of a first meeting. This was someone I had connected with on a transcendental plane. He was new, but he was familiar already.
We do have a dreamy, ethereal romance at times. Fortunately we are fully grounded, logical people and that helps to balance the situation quite nicely. There’s a wonderful tension between the real and the abstract that we keep taut and for good reason. We can revel in the reverie of this bizarre and wonderful experience that being together has created but at the end of the day we plant our feet again firmly on the ground. There has to be that grounding because if there isn’t it just wouldn’t work. We would both float off into dreamland and nothing would be planned, nothing accomplished. This kind of thing takes careful planning. There are too many variables, too many chances for chaos to invade and turn things upside down on us. No, we need to have our wits about us, and we do.
We have many months before we can turn our long distance love affair into something local and easily accessible. Months. Every day feels like eternities where the universe folds in on itself, but we try to keep a steadily upbeat attitude about it all. I think we both realize that we are worth the wait, that this connection isn’t to be taken lightly and maybe to fully own it we have to actively work for it and prove that we want it. Regardless, I am counting down the days until I can slip my hand back into his. It’s only a matter of time.
Illustration by O.C.
